Blame the Bar Soap

***Linus Kanyingi***

Morio niko kejani najikuna kuna.Si aty sipendi vajina but …wacha nione kama ntakanyonga leo. Ile mechi ya ule slay queen bado sijaikamilisha. Hii maisha haitaki makasiriko lakini, when the D day cums ataiskilia kwa mgongo. Now to more important things what you’re about to read is a true life story like shit went down fr fr like from hero to zero in shwat buuda I got arrested yaani kama nrdrama kama vindio .

So I’m at my crib nafua…notice how this starts funny right nipunguzieni gangster points lakini drip is importanter…then soap ikaisha so like nikavaa hoodie coz it was kindaa cold na I was going outside. Niko kwa shop naenda kubuy soap ya mbao sema kusota, rudia tena. Then I notice this nduthi guy anakuaga morio wetu. Like amekam hadi kejani mabash kadhaa ametuchoma nini nini so unaget like ni morio morio. Nikamgotea akanikumbusha vile nilikua nimejaa ngori the previous day coz I had lost my phone I think ilienda kutafuta mabao za arsenali.Si nikamshow I’m cool infact  nasaka hata ingine ntabuy hata kaa ni refurbished (yaani mtumba) I wouldn’t mind. Then he was like ‘’beshte yangu anauza tenje yake si twende uicheki hata kaa itakunice ni tenje fiti’’. Told him “Nafua wacha nimalize halafu ntakam twende’’.’’’Huko kwenu kuna msee anaeza ingia kweli si umefunga? ‘’ Huyu ni msee wa bike si aty naeza rudi nimpate unacheki so I thought why not coz tukiwa na bike I’d be back in like 10-15 minutes. Mimi huyo na sandals zangu juu ya bike ndeko ni ndeko kwani iko nini remember nilikua nafua manguo bado ziko kwa bucket ndio namalizia kurinse some of them I’m yet to hang them, nilikua hadi nimejichoma nikadim nikiwashe nikisha hang nguo. Mimi huyo na kimbelembele yangu Juu ya bike hadi to this Kibanda.

Ndio tumeland tu hivi bado simu yenyewe inarestart checking vile inakaa nini nini. Hata hatujamaliza like a minute in that place two guys walk in walikua in plain clothes ‘’Mnafanya nini hapo hivyo‘’ .You see huwezi hepa coz wako kwa mlango.’’Afande sijui…’’ paap the guy ashalimwa kibare. The next thing we’re in handcuffs I’m like fuck. Remember 5minutes ago nilikua nafua you can’t make this shit up.’’Nyinyi ndio mnaibia watu hapa masimu mkiwauzia hii simu umetoa wapi’’. Tushatolewa nje tumeanza kupigishwa lap kuenda station.Nikajua enyewe kamenuka eeh from zero to sufuri. Mimi ni nani, si unajua hapo ni kujibonga  told him afande tunaeza ongea  n he was like hapa kuongea labda ukue na soo. Ndio ujue me ni fala nikaanza kupiga mahesabu za niko na chwani kwa fuliza si huyu msee wa dhuthi  ampee chwani tujiondolee ngori. Anyway how was to know aty ni 100k fucked up right. The only option sasa ni kucall mabeshte kila msee amesota kama tu wewe these niggas weren’t there the best I got nilibuyiwa tu minutes. Dooh nilikua nayo ilikua bank na I had to go replace my atm coz ilienda na ile simu. Me hukua na number ya lawyer but saa ilikua kwa ile tenje ingine yenye ilipotea. Sasa niko na kaduda na sina contacts at all nimeitisha hadi Mpesa statement nisake manumber za wasee hapo lkn wapi. Nobody came through yaani hadi soo anyway si ni life. Maswara tu za ufala. Tushafikishwa station ndio hiyo statement ikaandikwa.The guy alikua anatuuzia akaambiwa amechargiwa na robbery the nduthi guy some other dude aliingizwa kwa hiyo mix akijaribu kuficha evidence akasetiwa and I tukachargiwa na handling stolen goods. Azn tulishikwa mchana tu hivyo kaa jokes.

Tuko hapo kwa OB tunamake calls kamenuka hadi huyo boys ameambiwa watampin amewazoea sana.I knew nobody was  gonna help me out on these I just had to call my dad to come bail me out or atleast ajue Juu saa ningedu nini. Nimemake calls from 1 mpaka 5 We had to sleep there  Spoiler alert here comes the twist. So ndio nimeingia hivi cell kumbe nimefanya timing nikaingia masaa ya supper sema munchies kisembe na cabbage surprisingly it wasn’t that bad there was something in there that made it sweet. Azn hiyo place ni kama tu high school flani with crazier students and teachers that just don’t give a shit about you. Nikalearn human beings are social and have fun with what they have they just adapt. Niggas in there wanalala ‘comfortably’ na wapewa free food, kuna free 24hr security huko hata corona haiwezi wafikia . You meet crazy pple in there though huyu anasema alimanga mtoi wa chuo saa wanajaribu kumshow vile atadeal na magistrate.Mwingine alitokana iphone (rookie mistake) mwingine aliingia mbuzi nyuma saa ako na walevi flani kwa ile corner wanafanya kimoot court ako zile za  ‘’si hiyo mbuzi ilikua yangu nikiichinja hakuna mtu angeniuliza, saa me nikaona aah wacha tu niingie hapa kwa hii shimo kuliko kuichinja’’.Then some young man asked the mzee how it felt like fucking the goat n he was like “Huko ndani kuna joto ukipaka mate uingie hata hutaona tofauti”. Remember when I told you I’m not making this up. But that place is crazy though ata hujui ni saa ngapi we uko tu umechill ni kaa unangoja tu chenye unangoja hujui. Niggas contemplating kaa wanapelekwa court the following morning or not. Another one came to seek refuge he was dead drunk the wife would skin him alive. Mwingine aty alikua ametoka job akaomba hiyo uber ya makarau lift akajipata ndani.

Maan shida ni aty ukilala kaa ni kuturn itabidi mjipendue na shifts juu huezi turn tu kwanza hapo ukieza kua na kamattress hata kama ni ya 2 by 6 nakwambia wanaeza toa picha ya Kenyatta kwa station waweke yako . Luckily nilifika time ya supper so hata nikapata place ya kuchill juu ya mat ama sijui ni mackintosh aah kesi baadae. Walevi wanapiga story the whole night no sleep unalala hivi kiasi wameleta wengine that means more drama less sleep mara tena maroll call ndio uanze kutafuta usingizi. Tukapewa chai hiyo morning time hata siko sure, story ya mkate si unajua Jesus is the bread of life . Hiyo place ni kama nilikua nimeenda tour it was a totally different experience for me. Gangster points mnaniongezea ngapi….Long story short I got bailed out in the morning nikarudi kejani nikapitia kwa shop nikachukua soap juu hata nilikua nishalipia ndio saa hii nimemaliza kufua. Hata wacha nimalizane hapa nilale coz damn, I need some sleep.

Moral of the story hii ni 2020 unaeza enda shop kubuy credo ujipate Nanyuki so hata ukiendea soap piga look huezi jua

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