Does Having What You Want Always Mean Happiness?

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I don’t know what she thinks I was doing. She startled me when she walked into the room two hours before the time I expected her back. It’s a good thing I was facing the door; else she might have snuck up on me and seen what I was doing on my phone. If I didn’t have earphones on, I would most probably have heard her opening the door. Then I would have had the chance to pretend I was on WhatsApp watching memes or something like that. But I didn’t hear the door and when I noticed her, it was too late to manufacture a good lie. So I told her I had been meditating and that the earphones were to block out the noise. Meanwhile, in my confusion, I powered my phone off; which I know made the whole thing twice as suspicious.

Of course she didn’t believe me. But she didn’t make a fuss, like she usually does. I wonder what that means. Instead, we are in bed and she’s in my arms. The room is silent. I can hear myself thinking. I wonder whether she can notice that my heart beat has gradually slowed down back to normal. I think she can – her ear is practically on top of my heart.

Of course I could just end her misery and tell her that I was just watching an animation on my phone. But no, she hates animations. She says there is no difference between animations and cartoons and that they are all for babies. That was among the first things I learnt about her when we met one year ago. Since I don’t want her to think I’m a baby, telling her the truth is out of the question in this case.

Or maybe I should tell her the truth; this once, so that she doesn’t kill herself with stress. Then maybe I’d also have to tell her that I don’t really like the taste of beer. That’s how I’ve grown into such a good dancer. Because whenever I’m with her in the club, I find the slightest excuse to dance so that I can avoid drinking. It used to be very tiring in the beginning but I’ve somehow learnt to make it work. Of course, not without the help of a few tricks I’ve seen on TV where I keep swinging the bottle but the drink never ends up in my stomach – or my mouth for that matter. And if I did tell her that, I’d probably have to go and tell her that I hate having to go to the club on Friday night and then to church on Sunday morning. It just doesn’t feel right to me. It feels somewhat hypocritical. The list is endless; the list of falsehoods on which this relationship of ours survives.

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I move a little to adjust the pillow and make us more comfortable. As I do, my hands brush on her stomach. She’s wearing a crop top so I get to feel her abs. Yeah, she has real abs; like Jenifer Lopez. They feel really good to touch so I just rub my hands all over them. She doesn’t stop me – which is strange. Normally, when she’s mad at me, she slaps my arms off when I try to steal a feel. I find myself getting a little worried. Then I find myself thinking about the path my life has taken.

Am I happy? Yeah, of course. How could I not be? I have exactly what I wanted – the most beautiful girl, right here in my arms. I’m the envy of all my friends. And my enemies too, of course. And trust me she is beautiful – she is like a young version of Rihanna. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to be perfect until I met her. You should see her move on the dance floor like she was born for it. And she’s super funny when she’s drunk. She doesn’t go puking and talking trash in English like all these other humans do when they’re drunk. That’s my girl – my super girl. So it doesn’t matter whether I will hold her on top of a mountain of lies; so long as it’s my shirt she gets to wet with drool when she sleeps – like she is doing now. 

Her breathing is deeper and slower. Maybe today if I get lucky, she’ll snore and I’ll record it on my phone and laugh at her over it later – like she recently did to me. I take the phone and think of going on with my animated movie now that she’s asleep but it’s not worth it so I don’t. Instead, I get into WhatsApp and find a text from this girl called Kira. Kira’s a beautiful class mate of mine. She doesn’t have abs and she dances like a mutilated goat but I enjoy her – she’s really fun.

Right now, her text is a meme about that fox and bunny from Zootopia, the animation. The meme is funny as fuck. Of course I don’t want to laugh; especially because if I wake Rita my girlfriend up, she won’t find the meme funny and she will be annoyed.

Kira and I have all sorts of conversations, especially after class. We talk about the French president and his marriage to his former teacher; we argue about whether the Ballon D’or this time will go to Messi or Ronaldo; we discuss the fashion fuck-ups of random people on the road – I can never spend enough time with her. There was actually a time I thought she had a crush on me but we are just friends now and I’m loving it.

A couple of weeks ago, I read kiss me bestie by a dude called The Mic on DekuTrends.co.ke about people dating their best friends and I got disturbed when I found myself thinking about Kira.  Everything that The Mic said seemed to make sense and for a moment, I allowed my mind to explore. Dating Kira instead of Rita seemed like quite the downgrade, like moving from a Bughatti to a Mercedes. But on the upside, I would get to watch animations instead of horror movies and go to the Presbyterian Church instead of Catholic. For a moment, the thought of such freedom seemed appealing. However, all such stupid thoughts disappeared from my mind the moment Rita smiled at me.

Rita stirs from her sleep. She turns and looks up at me, her lips curving up into that breath taking smile I was just telling you about, the one that makes the world fade away into the background.  “You look like an angel when you wake up from a day time nap,” I compliment her, hoping to make her forget our earlier situation. She smiles even brighter and says, “Really?” I stare at her bewitching face and wonder how I could entertain such stupid thoughts as I had been having before replying, “Of course. You give me one more reason to believe that God exists. It’s the only explanation for such beauty as yours.” She giggles a little before replying with a playful slap on my arm, “Stop it, you’re making me blush.” 

This is going well. I’m about to tell her that she is as beautiful as a mermaid when she suddenly grows serious and says, “You should have thought about my beauty before taking me for a fool.” It catches me totally by surprise. She continues, “Don’t act surprised, please, it’s insulting and so unoriginal. You are cheating on me aren’t you?” Angered, and with a raised voice, I reply, “I would never cheat on you! Surely, you have to know that.”

Kira looks at me for a moment. She is absolutely calm and that’s when I realize that I’ve fallen into a porcupine’s nest. She looks at me with a bored expression on her face and goes, “Some part of me almost wishes that you were cheating on me with a girl. I know about your animated movies and your hate for beer. I was okay with it but I’ve asked you about it and you have had the audacity to lie to my face countless times. You thought I wouldn’t find out?”

I open my mouth to say something but I have nothing to say so it stays open like that of an omena. She now looks angry as she goes on, “Do you consider me that dumb? I thought we were perfect. I was even ready to ignore your snoring for the rest of my life. We’d still have a chance if you hadn’t insisted on repeatedly lying to me like I have the IQ of a housefly. Don’t you think I know how different we are? I knew it from the beginning. I was a fool to think it would work. You are a coward. Okay Mugweru? You are a coward! You should know that I hate cowards and liars. It’s over, Mugweru. Nothing you say will make me change my mind so if you could just keep your mouth open like that and not say a word while I get my things, I would appreciate it.”

She takes her purse and her coat, looks around for a moment then walks towards me. She pats me on the shoulder before saying, “Thanks, you are such a dear” and leaving.

About ten minutes later, my mouth is still open – I can’t believe what has just happened. My first thought is that I should get some beer, no matter what it tastes like. It sounds like a sensible idea so I pick up my M-Pesa phone and head out. I’m locking the door when someone taps on my shoulder. I turn around to find Kira. She looks out of breath. Quite worried and with her classic raised eye brow, she says, “Your girlfriend just called me and told me that you are about to shoot yourself?”

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Silicon™ – Fusion Writers

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