Githaa ya Riba – Short, funny stories

1. BBI Report

***Githinji***

These things should be in the BBI report…

First, let us agree that things between you and Kamau who left for the city after stealing your virginity behind the CDF tank ended the moment he jumped on that 2NK SACCO Matatu without even looking back to witness your dramatic cry and subsequent fall.

Let us agree that his departure hurt you very much especially after you discovered a funny itch ‘down there’, an itch that was confirmed by the doctor to be Herpes. Let us also agree that up – to – date you are still shocked by the further discovery of pubic lice in your forest, gifted by Kamau who had lied that you were his ‘first and last’.

Are we in agreement this far?

Let us agree that you and your pubic lice moved on, Yes you did! We  know about you and that Deejay from Club Dreams, the one who loves to slap your backside which shouting ‘Thitima’ girl we know. And yes, we also know about you and Baba Wambui, the church elder who suffered a heart attack on top of you after attempting to rekindle his youthful energy assisted by Viagra and several bottles of Desperados.

 We all know that Kamau is coming back to the village.  We also know that he will be accompanied by that his Nairobi Girlfriend – Wanjiru, the one who does not wear underwear. as your friend, I advise you, stay away.

Stay away from his mother’s compound, refrain from greeting all his relatives while kneeling and please whatever you do, do not wear your yellow dress, the one that displays your child bearing hips, you are not an exhibition store. When Kamau finally arrives please do not run with your inflated breasts to hug him, salvage some dignity woman!

I know you are hurt but I beg you in the name of Chief Ngunjiri, wait for Sunday mass to have your revenge.

On that day, do not forget all that we have planned. You will comb your hair like a good girl from 1958, you will wear your colourful Dera – the one you bought from Dera Fashions – then you will walk to church and sit on the very last pew. Of course the idiot and his packet of bones will be present, you will wait until everyone is settled and calm.

Then, you will rise like Undertaker from WWE does from the coffin, you will march to the front holding your Dera to the thigh, you will stop at Kama’s pew where you will immediately hand him the pair of scissors and shout ” I demand that you take back your pubic lice” Proceed to lift your Dera up-to the nose, your forest hovering on his nose, slap him with your herpes hospital bill and refuse to bulge. Ha- Ha!  there will be no come back.

2. Oya Morio Niaje

***Linus***

Oyah morio niajeI, hii plagaue inakupelekaje? Umededi ama bado(lol)JJ. Huyo ni msee naskia amekohoa hapo nyuma?wee rada, tunadedi niniiii.Ule msee alikua anasema corona ni homa tu na aty Africans tuko na immune fity look at us now si afasali mninyonge. Mwenye aliprophesy aty quarantine itaboo ni kama yeye ndio aliiroga kabisaa na akadedi hiyo corona. You were right mtaani hakukalikiL

Nimecheki mamorio pale Eld tao wametandikwa viproper izeni mazeeeJJJ. Lkn enyewe tnafaa tu kusaka solution ingine ya hii stuff hii quaratine ni kama haisaidii aty sasa kila mtu aende akufie kwake. Kama corona haitakupata basi njaa ndio hiyo na kama sio njaa basi utanyongwa na sembe nanii.J Form ni ujichome tu pole pole si mnajua hiyo kitu ni dawa btw wanafaa wachunguze hata maybe hiyo ndio dawa. Mmeskia kuna case yoyote Jamaica? Waras hawatambui hizi vitu “Rastaman never die never shower maybe shower when reggae stops”. Lakini enyewe ni kungori we nikuulize, unamaintain hiyo distance kweli? Na mikono si tuna nawa nawa tukiendelea kugoteana. Morio kwa nini hujipendi.  Saa hata hii news kwani kilaa saa tu ni corona kwani unataka kuniambia hakuna kitu ingine inaendelea hii Kenya kwanza msee anajua mahali locust zilienda slide uniambie lkn uzuri ni aty ilifanya hiyo kelele ya BBI iishe. Huku mtaani ni kama tuko kichristmas flani si gava hata ifanye kweli ikue inatuletea munchies kejani juu enyewe sasa… agh nkt!!

Blessed are those whom Quarantine imewapata wakiwa na peng ting. Msupa anakuuliza tu if you’ll eat before you eat ama you’ll eat after you’ve eaten wewe kazi yako ni kula mpaka mpishi. I hope ulimaster hiyo book ya coronsutraJJ Lakini mbona hakuna mtoi amezaliwa akaitwa Corona ama ni juu atawamurder. Kwanza umeona vile wasee wanaiita Covid -19 wanajiona ma elite. Ama ni juu COVID ni short form ya Cohoa VIDeadly. Kwanza nimeskia kuna kesi ya kwanza ishakua reported this side of the country ni kunoma 

3. Remember Camping

***Githinji***

Remember how you have always wanted us to go camping. I know when we first met you told me you always wanted to go camping and that going out helps strengthen our relationship. well, today is the day .you are laughing out as you see me clumsily trying to remove the 8*6 mattress outside that tiny door. The mattress is too huge. you refuse to help me  I can tell you are enjoying each and every moment that  am struggling with the preps.coz you are giggling and those dimples are evident. They are the ones that I fell for from the very start .you see me with those cream  sheets not the white ones you got for me .you see Shiro there is something that is with men and color white and it’s not debatable we just don’t mix. Now am at the balcony where we are camping today you come with some hot water bottles and place them under the sheets just below my thighs .you really know my weakness one touch from you and am all chubby. You jump into bed with your ass facing Dickson Munene. I am really tense .wait, babe do you see those stars? you ask which ones. I tell you u just missed them .Well,  babe there has been something about you .Astronomy was never your thing  and you never understood it .it’s funny coz you never miss the zipper on my  pants ..

Cc Sam

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