Githaa ya Riba

1. Misfortunes of Nebu – Anthony Charles

In Majengo, due to high crime rate,curfews are normal daily ordeals. One curfew night I got a surprise. Despite being the only son of my father in a family of eight, I wouldn’t take it offensively to say I don’t understand women. Salome knocked at my door a few minuutes to eight. She explained of how she had come to Majengo and got late and the curfew was about to begin. She pleaded to stay over at my place and she would leave in the morning. I budged and let her sleep over.

I felt nervous the whole night and could barely sleep. But some minutes to three I found some sleep. At around 5.30 am when I woke up to snooze my alarm, I found her staring at me.

With a hideous smile placing her hand on my chest she said, “you are going to be a dad.” A dad, first night at my place, I slept with my kaunda suit and you slept with your jeans trousers on, zipped and buttoned and then you claim you are pregnant. Is diffusion or osmosis a way through which people can get pregnant??

I stood up and walked out maybe I was dreaming. She followed suit and at the top of her voice she started wailing, “Mbona Neb unaruka ball yako?? Mbona??”

I felt confused and before I could speak, voices from my neighbors cursing out started. Then Kingori loudly above all other voices spoke, ” weee, mukiagana hatukuwa, nyamazeni watu walale” (we were not there when you had your atrocities, shut up and let people sleep).

We slowly walked back to the house and didn’t speak to each other. Salome stayed over for a few days then left. She said nothing and till today, I have never seen her or heard from her or about her. During the period of her stay, I was both a hero and a criminal. Many people congratulated me on getting a girl pregnant whereas the married men hurled warnings at me not to go near their wives. Till date,some still call me Baba Jimmy at Majengo.

the untOLD STOries of Majengo.

Stay safe, sanitize

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2. Dear Corona – Linus Kanyingi

Dear Corona, if you get to read this then fuck you . All this shit has turned our lives inside out and to imagine its coz some guy ate a bat. Hata kama ni njaa hiyo nayo wachinku walitucheza unaanzaje tu kula bundi lakini hatuwezi walaumu si unacheki vile wanakuaga wamenyanya 24/7 zao zilishika zikakataa kushuka.

You know what let’s just take a breath and imagine that guy never ate that bat tungekua wapi saa hii. Mmmh imagine tungekua chuo bado hii time yote yaani anasa ya mwezi mzima imeingia maji. Kwanza saa hii wadau tungekua tunangoja 420 ndio exam imetoka tu kuisha n niggars already started their countdown.

Now whats 420 gonna be like usiwe na shaka uandike kwa mate ilhali nina wino just stay tuned upate uhondo kamili. Imagine hizi machallenge zote za ufala hazingekam yaani vitu za maana ndio zingekua zinatrend lakini come to think of it since when did hizo vitu za maana zi trend kenya like what the hell is #Nikikupea Utawezana.

Nakwambia people are gonna go crazy with this quarantine shit. Tangu lini my hands have tasted more alcohol than my mouth watu wataanza kunywa sanitizer. Halafu mjomba unaonaje si hizi clubs zitaanza kumea nyasi lakini nakwambia ile anasa watu watapiga after corona even cochella ain’t close to it.

I can’t wait for the day tutaambiwa kuna zero cases n everybody can go on with their damn lives. But then what if the wait continues for another month and another and another kidogo kidogo its Christmas and Santa can’t come coz ako quarantine lakini wacha niteme hiyo mate. If you guyz remember last year kulikua kumekauka lakini ile mvua ilianza kunyesha after 420 wacha tu what I’m saying is read between the lines.      

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